Insatiable
by Neru
Summary: Tsuzuki has recently found out that his attracion towards Hisoka had grown stronger, and more passionate..Now the need is driving him crazy
1. part 1

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei doesn't belong to me; the song "Insatiable" is by Darren Hayes.

INSATIABLE

_Turn the lights down low_

_Take it off _

_Let me show _

_My love for you _

_Insatiable_

It was like some kind of hide-and-seek. An ephemeral game of quick, coincidental touches and startled looks. As if tentatively trying if it's possible to cross the line.

"…Hisoka..?"

The younger Shinigami was sitting among various papers, reports and scribbling with passion probably something boring. Tsuzuki looked at his partner's back and wondered why he was so dedicated to the paperwork. Well, but he shouldn't complain- it was truly a blessing that at least one of them actually did paperwork at all.

"Yes?" asked Hisoka without turning around and in fact Tsuzuki was thankful that he didn't have to face him. A look into those piercing, emerald eyes would surely be enough to take away all of the courage he managed to grow.

Saying the truth, now he had an odd feeling that his courage had gone away anyways.

He gulped and only repeated his partner's name again.

He found it helpless- how could he say that? Just come out and tell him : "Nah, Hisoka, I wanted to discuss with you the matter of you driving me crazy. You see, I can't stand anymore the way I crave to touch you so badly that it hurts."

And it has become really troublesome lately, especially in their apartment. They've been living together for four moths and of course there was some cuddling on the couch and rare nights in each other's arms, when nightmares were too strong, but it was.. friendly, and for comfort. And disturbingly, Tsuzuki found the urge to make it something more, constantly present in his mind.

Now he tried to shrug it all off, since the object of his musings could possibly sense his thoughts.

He decided to delay the conversation because it was not the right place and time.

"Never mind." He said and then Hisoka turned around with a concerned look.

"When you say 'never mind' like that, it practically screams for attention, you know" he noticed with a sigh.

Even that sigh sent off bells in Tsuzuki's head, giving him mental images of Hisoka smiling, sighing, blinking, hugging him.. there was Hisoka exploding everywhere and it was driving him insane.

He panicked a little, maybe more than a little and just laughed nervously waving his hand in a seemingly reassuring way.

"It's really nothing." He repeated and left the place in a hurry, leaving his partner perplexed.

Tsuzuki splashed some cold water into his face and looked in the mirror, chewing on his lip.

"Asato Tsuzuki, you must control yourself, just the way you've been doing it until now. Don't do anything stupid." Ordered his reflection but again Hisoka's face stole into his mind and his heart started to beat dangerously fast.

This sensation was so choking. And his lips felt absurdly thirsty.

Today they haven't gone home together, because Tsuzuki found a lame excuse to stay longer in the office. He thought that Hisoka probably knew it was lame, but he couldn't risk walking together with him with only such small distance between them.. It was only natural before, but now he really couldn't help it. His body got strange ideas about that and he growled with exasperation. It's gotten bad.

It was really, really driving him mad.

But it was building up day by day, no wonder that it has finally reached the climax point. A rather unfortunate pun. How was he supposed to stay sane? One day like this, and he was all worn out, and to think that this was merely the beginning..

With that in his head he opened the door only to find himself barely inches from his partner's face. He restrained from crying in surprise and managed a weak "tadaima".

Hisoka looked at him strangely but only replied "okaeri" and returned to his book.

Tsuzuki tried to look anywhere but at him which was almost impossible to do.

His serene features, and green eyes, now focused on the book together with slender form of his body made a breath-taking picture, and Tsuzuki indeed had difficulty with breathing.

"Think about something else, look elsewhere." Repeated his mind like a chant but eventually he was forced to escape to the kitchen. He sat on the chair and sighed.

He had to be less obvious with his thoughts otherwise Hisoka might read them.

Perhaps it was really better to tell him…

'Hey, Hisoka, could you please stop looking so tempting because each exposed part of your skin makes me feel weak?"

Yeah, right, he thought lugubriously and sipped some water.

Later, he was already in the bed and Hisoka was taking a shower. Tsuzuki was having hard time and he spent most of his free will forcing his imagination not to produce images of the certain person inside the bathroom.

It was a difficult task.

There was a silent "click" as the door opened and Hisoka came out, little drops of water still dripping from his locks. Tsuzuki immediately closed his eyes but that was blatantly lame. Hisoka ignored that, walked past Tsuzuki's side of bed and turned off the lights.

That was going to be hard, the older Shinigami was painfully aware of the boy's presence and closeness.

"Fine. You can tell me now." Said Hisoka into the awkward the strained silence. "What's wrong with you today?"

"Nothing" he answered stubbornly.

"And don't say 'nothing', I'm not blind nor stupid. What happened?" he demanded and Tsuzuki repeated the question to himself.

It was just that he has been keeping it sealed for too long. He was fooling himself and trying to ignore it. The fact that he started to feel more and more attraction towards his partner and it was no more just friendly, warm and gentle. It was now as well somewhat hot, nervous and yearning.

He wanted to comfort him as always, but at the same time he desired to touch him in a way he probably didn't want to be touched and kiss him, not a delicate kiss on the forehead but something wetly, passionately more. He felt sick, but he dreamed of having Hisoka writhing in his arms. Common sense was telling him that his partner surely didn't want to writhe in anyone's arms after what Muraki had done to him. It was stupid and insensitive to expect that Hisoka would even think about it.

That's why he wanted to keep it a secret, so that nobody would be hurt and Hisoka wouldn't hate him.

He shielded all of his feverish thoughts and just concentrated on not moving, letting the silence answer instead of him.

"As you want, but I still think it'd be better if you told me." Said Hisoka and then strained heavy silence returned.

"I can't" whispered Tsuzuki and grabbed his hand, squeezing it almost painfully. The boy turned around and raised himself on his forearm, looking very concerned. He leaned forward and a question was reflected in his eyes.

Tsuzuki surprisingly didn't find it hard to stand. He only smiled tiredly.

"I had a bad day. Hold me?"

Hisoka nodded, still anxious, and encircled Tsuzuki with his arms, placing his partner's head in his chest.

Tsuzuki chewed on his lip and hugged him back desperately, recalling what someone once told him.

"You suffer the most when you're near the one you love and you know that she or he will never be yours."

End of part 1

Please, please review!


	2. part 2

Thank you very much for the reviews! I'm so happy!

INSATIABLE

Part 2

It was a very strange and tiresome week. Everyone noticed that there was something going on between Hisoka and Tsuzuki but no one could figure out what had happened.

The younger Shinigami was acting normal but Tsuzuki seemed to avoid his partner for unknown reasons. It was as if he even refused to look in his direction, because he immediately averted his eyes and looked away. They were not even coming back home together because Tsuzuki always stayed longer.

And he wouldn't say a thing. Watari tried to talk with him but he failed; even Tatsumi couldn't take the information out of him. He was very strained and nervous, he almost flinched when someone approached him without a warning, at it was most curious as well as disturbing.

And so, the strange, silent play lasted.

_The candy sweet scent of you _

_It bathes my skin I'm stained by you _

_And all I have to do is hold you _

_There's a racing in my heart _

_I am barely touching you_

Tsuzuki opened the door with a sigh and entered the apartment. Hisoka was reading a book, but he said "Stop right there" as the man took a step into the room.

He put the book aside and stood up with a serious expression on his face.

"What do you think you're doing? Can you tell me why you've been acting like you had swallowed your tongue?" he started angrily, stabbing Tsuzuki's chest with his finger.

Then Hisoka's face softened, and by impulse, he grabbed the other man's hand.

"Why won't you tell me?" he asked, looking into his eyes.

"Because I think that the answer would hurt you." He replied slowly, and held his breath a little longer than always, because the touch of his partner made his knees weak again.

He fought off a strong urge to leave the common sense and embrace him tightly right now and then, and later kiss him until they couldn't breathe anymore. It was especially hard at that moment, to keep his emotions shielded.

Hisoka winced slightly hearing his answer, but tried again:

"Perhaps you should tell me nevertheless. It'd hurt me less than the fact that you're avoiding me."

"I'm sorry." he whispered

"Is that you last word?" he said and when he got a hesitant nod, he muttered "fool" and turned back, as Tsuzuki went to the bathroom, feeling sick again.

Few hours later, he woke up and turned around. Hisoka was soundly asleep and he found himself studying his beautiful face and almost touching those delicate cheeks. How was it possible to be so astonishingly beautiful and angelic.. He has always had an opinion that Hisoka was wonderful, but nowadays- it was almost hurting him.

He leaned to be just a bit closer, and stroked Hisoka's cheek with his own, his skin was inches from Hisoka's skin and he knew that it'd wake him up, but even that light caress made him forget about the consequences.

And then it was too late.

He cupped his chin with his hand and kissed him on the lips. It was light but he trembled at the sensation nonetheless. He wished for that moment to last longer and longer, to never end.

And a second after that, Hisoka opened his eyes and Tsuzuki broke the kiss.

"W-What!-" he started, but Tsuzuki hushed him.

"That was the reason."

"What reason?" repeated the boy, too surprised and still a bit sleepy.

Tsuzuki leaned forward once again and their lips met for the second time. Hisoka didn't answer to his touch but made no move to push him away either.

Meanwhile, Tsuzuki sent his shield to the hell and let him feel all of his deeply hidden thoughts and emotions. He was almost sure that his partner would hate him or be disgusted, but he needed him to know the truth.

_The moonlight plays upon your skin _

_A kiss that lingers takes me in _

_I fall asleep inside of you _

_There are no words _

_There's only truth _

_Breathe in Breathe out _

_There is no sound_

The time was frozen, as the two people were lost in their own perplexed feelings.

Finally, the blonde's arms pushed him away and he was breathing more heavily. Tsuzuki only helplessly fell on him, hiding his face in the space between Hisoka's shoulder and neck. The boy wrapped his arms around him and stroked him weakly.

"You don't have to worry so much, I'm not angry." he reassured

"But it won't be the same again." Protested the other man

"But we can't deny anymore that there is more." he said seriously and then just added hesitantly: "Let's go back to sleep"

After few minutes, Hisoka turned around once again, and told his partner, who still wasn't asleep, with a thoughtful expression on his face.

"But that's not a 'no'. That's only 'wait', you know."

To that, Tsuzuki smiled.

_And nobody knows you like I do _

_The world doesn't understand _

_But I grow stronger in your hands_

I feel like a better man 

_Just being in the same room_

_Can't close my eyes when I'm with you _

_Insatiable the way I'm loving you_

End of part 2

I just feel like adding more UST in the next part, so stay tuned!


	3. part 3

This chapter is from Hisoka's POV, it's just a little experiment.

INSATIABLE

part 3

I knew that it'd happen sooner or later. Obviously, he has his needs, and it is only natural to expect something more.

I'm speaking rationally, but in fact it's damn stressful. I just can't give him more, no matter how much I want to make him happy; not yet. It's beyond me and everything what had happened still lingers somewhere at the bottom of my mind.. I can't make it go away…

We're walking down the street and I feel that he wants to hold hands, but I find it embarrassing. Not like I care what other people say, that's not the point- it's caused by my difficulty with expressing feelings so openly. I'm so not used to that.. Because, holding hands, really, what does it matter?

On the other hand, it makes me feel guilty, because it means that I'm not even trying to surpass myself.

I fight with myself for few minutes and then I give in with an inward growl.

I hold out my hand discretely and grab the palm of his hand, a bit clumsily tangling our fingers. From the corner of my eye I notice that he gasps in surprise and his lips part quickly but he says nothing in the end and we continue walking, as if nothing happened.

It feels quite strange, but not bad at all. Tsuzuki's touch is warm and gentle and after a while it becomes natural that our hands are linked like this. Not to mention that his contended emotions are almost tickling me and my mood gets better as well.

Later at home neither of us comments that little action and everything goes like everyday.

But when we're watching something on the TV in the evening, the tension returns. He is

relaxed but I can't say the same about myself.

The distance is about fifty centimeters, but it seems dangerously little.

Saying the truth, I feel nervous like hell and I can't find the reason behind it. I am aware that he won't do anything because I said 'no', but it doesn't help me to stop fidgeting.

The sounds are annoying but still better than complete silence. That'd certainly make me need some psychiatric help.

The couple on the screen starts to kiss and my cheeks are burning, I just know it, and it's something insanely uncontrollable.

Is it a horrible coincidence or just something or someone up there or wherever really hates me?

No, it's probably one me acting crazy, because it's a common truth that in almost every movie people kiss.

The memory of Tsuzuki's lips on mine suddenly comes back and it is impossible to stop recalling it over and over.

I see that he's looking at me absent-mindedly and his amethyst eyes pierce through me as the couple deepens the kiss, becoming more passionate and wild.

Just splendid.

I absolutely do have to sense his thoughts, right now. Just what is he thinking, while staring at me like that!

As naturally as I can manage, I yawn and lean to lay my head on his knees, pretending to be bored to death and apathetic. It's hard to cover the fact that emotions and feelings are literally burning inside me.

I can feel that he is kind of nervous, but happy and even…

I immediately decide that it was a very bad idea.

I stand up and tell him that I'm going to prepare some tea instead of sitting here and being bored.

He laughs and I really try to grin, but I feel extremely uncomfortable. Maybe I really didn't want to know. And I surely wasn't eager to see mental imaginations of myself in rather nasty.. er positions? Whatever.

Next day, Tsuzuki does something uncommon but pleasant after all.

When I'm sitting and doing another inhuman amount of paperwork, he approaches me and wraps his arms around me, muffling his face in my neck. Then he steps back and laughs awkwardly, saying "Sorry, I couldn't resist." His eyes are not "laughing" though, they seem sad and I realize how much effort he puts in controlling himself all the time.

Maybe it'll only make him suffer more, but I decide to show him that I' trying as well.

I stand up and throw my arms around his neck, and not giving myself any time to think, I press my lips against his.

He is shocked but I guess he understands what I'm trying to let him know.

He ponders it, and embraces me back, crushing me against himself, kissing me

passionately.

When we stop, breathing fast, he smiles and buries his head in my neck.

And I try to convince myself that this is what I need and want.

Watari is in suspiciously good mood and he winks at me each time he passes by.

And he passes by too frequently, by the way, which makes me stay tuned.

"Bon.." he finally begins and I nod politely, encouraging him to go on.

"How are the things between you and Tsuzuki?" he asks, putting on his most innocent look, but it can't fool me.

"Er.." I stammer "..well, thank you." I'm still a bit taken aback, but I don't let it show.

"That's great!" he exclaims "You see, I saw you in the office and you seemed.. quite busy, and when you talk so openly about the things between you two, whereas you've never admitted before that there was something going on… I'm happy!"

Watari indeed looks bouncy but it only unnerves me for some reason.

There is no way back anymore. I really have to learn how to be ready quickly.

If it's for him.. maybe I can pretend that I had forgotten.

End of part 3

Thank you for the reviews! They make me really happy –grin-

To Chibi Rinku: UST is short for Unresolved Sexual Tension :)


	4. part 4

Sorry for the delay! The school is horrible, but again, this is no excuse.. Anyway, thank you for the reviews! I'm sooo happy!

INSATIABLE

part 4

Tsuzuki looked sleepily into the mirror and yawned. He was totally worn out, Kachou was certainly bored to death, considering how hard he tried not to let them feel boredom even for a second. Everyone had tons of work to do, and he wasn't any exception; he and Hisoka were very busy nowadays.

He and Hisoka.

It looked like the entire office knew that they were together more seriously and imagined even more than there really was. Kind of pathetic, but he felt proud of it. It was pleasant to show off a little, and since Hisoka didn't protest either, it was even nicer.

His partner had obviously changed his mind about certain things, because they kissed a lot, and he even allowed a bit more- like kissing his neck..

No, it wasn't any good to ponder it now, he had to go sleep and not to dream of his still underage partner.

He sighed with irritation and left the bathroom, heading towards the bed. He expected Hisoka to be already asleep, but he wasn't. He was lying not covered by the bedsheets, lost in his thoughts, and looking somewhere above the floor intensely. Actually, he was looking nice in those shorts that were revealing most of his legs.. He seemed relaxed and.. just..

Tsuzuki was doing his best to stop thinking so much and eyeing his partner up and down almost.. hungrily.

It wasn't his fault that Hisoka was a heavenly and tempting creature, and his entire body shared that opinion.

_When you had accepted me… when you had let me belong to you alone…Since those moments in Kyoto, I knew that it was you whom I wanted to be with.. always.. And it's not only the talking of a love-sick person.. those are not the words which sarcastic, but in fact just unhappy people consider to be stupid and exaggerated…_

One more step forward and he would do something stupid. Unfortunately, this one step was bound to come, because he couldn't spend the whole night standing in the middle of the room.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked hilariously and crawled into the bed. The movement jolted Hisoka out of his trans.

"Ah.. nothing, nothing." He denied absent-mindedly.

"So let's go to sleep, we're having a busy day tomorrow." Said Tsuzuki with fake cheer, because his inside was strongly protesting, he desired to kiss him..

"So you should say so." Pointed out the boy who obviously had picked the loud thought.

Tsuzuki inhaled sharply and only muttered something under his breath.

"I don't want to kiss you when I want to." He said after a while, and Hisoka only blinked. "I want to kiss when WE want to." He continued.

_But in fact, I want to pull you closer.._

Heavy silence fell around after his words and Hisoka was avoiding the eye-contact.

"I want to kiss you." He murmured.

After that, you haven't been so distant, and I wanted to keep you close all the time.. Although I knew that it was not possible, because you thought of me as a friend.. maybe as a brother?

_But it is not enough for me._

_Your warmth, your hands, your scent… I want to be surrounded by them._

"No, you don't." gently denied the other man and Hisoka looked at him with fury and snarled. He tossed at the other side of the bed, and pulled him closer, then, kissed him violently. His latter repaid by hugging him back, pressing their bodies together, as they were deepening the kiss.

Hisoka closed his eyes desperately, shutting off connection with his brain..

..with his heart, which was practically screaming "NO!".

_If that is what you want, Tsuzuki.._

_I will give it to you. _

_If you really need it, if you really want a proof.._

_I will give you all of me._

Tsuzuki pulled back delicately and shook his head, whispering into his cheek:

"I won't let you do something that you don't want" he stated firmly "You're eyes don't lie, Hisoka. If you truly long for it as well, then tell me why your eyes are so frightened and full of despair..? It's very hard for me to know that I'm the one who makes them look like this.. It's just.. how come it's me from whom embrace you want to escape? Why my touch makes you suffer?" he blinked off few tears forming in the corners of his amethyst eyes and Hisoka found it impossible to stand.

Why did it turn out like this?

Why did these words sound so pathetic..?

"It's not your touch that hurts me.." he answered, looking everywhere but at him. "It's that.. that touch from my memories comes back when I go too far.. I.. You know what I mean?"

Tsuzuki nodded with blank stare and unconsciously clenched his fists; Hisoka flinched away.

"I'm sorry." Said the older one, "I'm sorry."

They stared at the bed, and even although there were only few centimeters between them, it felt like bottomless abyss that they couldn't overpower.

"I should be the one to apologize.. because, well, I'm the.. ah well." He cut awkwardly and let go of a short gasp, the little sound that people often make when they want to stop tears, and it's so difficult to do..

"Don't say things like that." Said Tsuzuki almost angrily and by impulse he reached out his hands to embrace him, but retreated. He smiled bitterly and just waved his hand strangely, opened his mouth to say something but no words came.

_It's my own damn fault. I am the one who made it impossible for him to feel safe in my arms.. It's no more a pure hug of a friend who cares, it's a hug that has more meaning to it, and even a bit of something that he tries to escape from.._

"You dork." Yelled Hisoka and threw his arms around him, trying with all his force to not cry. He was not a cry-baby after all, but he had to learn that everyone needs to cry sometimes..

"You're exaggerating! Stop blaming yourself for everything, your feelings had not changed into some kind of perverted lust, as you really seem to believe! You.. just.. stop hurting yourself, please.." Hisoka screamed but his voice faded in.

"It's because I constantly fear that I may be hurting you. I.." he began, but the piercing beep of the phone interrupted him, and they both almost jumped.

Few minutes later, they were putting up some clothes in a hurry, and swearing quietly. It seemed that they wouldn't get much sleep tonight.

Tatsumi called them to come at once, because it was a real emergency, but he didn't want to say what had happened.

And emergencies like that, really weren't an ordinary or common thing.

End of Part 4

I can't stop thinking that their words really are exaggerated. But well, since I'm one of those sarcastic, unhappy people that's no wonder. However, when I had been in love, such words seemed normal, so I guess it's ok. is bad. I can't edit this chapter somehow :(


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